Since I was around 15 years old, I have had anxiety. Whether it was general anxiety or specific kinds, like hypochondria or paranoia, anxiety has made itself an unwelcome company in my life for a decade and caused me countless problems. And I know I’m not alone. I’ve had so many friends tell me they also experience anxiety, and it’s never, ever a fun thing.
“Nostalgia. It’s delicate, but potent. In Greek, nostalgia literally means ‘the pain from an old wound.’ It’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn’t a spaceship. It’s a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards… it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It’s not called the wheel, it’s called the carousel. It lets us travel the way a child travels – around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know are loved.” – Don Draper, Mad Men
It’s Good Friday, and I’m feeling reflective. As I write this, the world is experiencing very strange and trying times as we navigate the horrific COVID-19 pandemic. I’ve rarely left my house in the past month, gotten laid off from my part-time PR agency job, and had to deal with my anxiety, which has been the highest it has in years.
One of the symptoms of my anxiety is insomnia and bad sleep. I’ll wake in the middle of the night and be deluged with thoughts. Worries about the uncertainty all of us are facing. Reflections about my life. Ideas for what I can do to continue growing my business. And they keep me up for hours.
Last night was no different. But the topic of choice for my sleepless thoughts was the fact that I live in the past, and I need to stop.
A couple of people have told me I’m gullible.
Eh, kind of. At first, I was like *surprised Pikachu face*, but I look at it a different way.
I just trust people. I trust what people say is true, and that they mean what they say. I trust someone until they give me a reason not to.
Over the last few years, I’ve truly seen how people lie. White lies, sure, everyone tells those. But I learned that sometimes people really, really lie. They do shady things. They betray you. They blindside you. And, side note, my consumption of true crime doesn’t help me in thinking that people are honest.
I’m not saying I’m perfect. Far from it. But here’s where I’m going with this: just because people have lied to me or made me feel gullible doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trusting people.
I used to believe you could either be dumb and trusting and gullible, or cold and tough and cynical. And, hey, after experiencing the not-so-pretty parts of people, I considered being the latter. But I recently spoke with a woman whom I really look up to, and she told me that yes, you can be sensitive and kind while also being strong and not letting people walk all over you.
Recently, I’ve become a huge fan of Kacey Musgraves. And as I’ve rapidly consumed her past three albums, I was struck by a true gem of a lyric:
Mind your own biscuits, and life will be gravy.
I love this for so many reasons, and I promise I’m not being passive-aggressive. Even though I consider myself a private person and do get irritated at prying, this lyric resonated with me for another big reason. I was comparing myself to people way too much, and as a result, not feeling great about myself.
Soon, it had me thinking: I’m done with Instagram.
2020 is almost upon us, and this time we’re not only entering a new year, but a new decade. A new era. A new age. And so, I’m going big and honest with my resolutions. There’s no time or life to waste, so I’ve taken a good look at various aspects of myself – work, life, habits, etc., and have categorized resolutions for all of them. Some are pretty straightforward, and some merit a bit more explanation. I have these detailed a lot more for my own personal reasons, but here I’ll try to keep it concise. 😉
So, without any more intro, here are my goals and resolutions for 2020. Continue reading “Clear vision for 2020: My New Year’s resolutions & goals”